What happened? I've always thought myself to be a confident person. But lately I find myself not confidant in any area of my life. The more I look back, with what I think is honesty, I realize I don't think I've ever been confidant. I've realized that when people compliment or edify me I chalk it up to them being nice, making conversation, or they clearly don't know what they're talking about. I KNOW those things are not usually the case but I usually BELIEVE them anyway. I tell myself I don't...But I do. I tell myself they're being genuine & deep down believe the things they are saying to me but I don't think I REALLY believe them. Not a fault of theirs, but mine. What happened?! Where did this come from? Has it always been there & I wasn't being honest with myself in how I really think of myself & other's view of me?
I was recently told, with nothing but the most sincerest of love, that I've a fear of failure. Sure I do...No I don't. Yes I do, but I don't wanna! It was suggested that I've a fear of failure because I don't want to disappoint anyone. Yep. I don't want to disappoint anyone. Fact. But is it because I don't want to cause grief to anyone or is it because I think that if I disappoint them they'll think less of me, my skill, my faith, my confidence, my whatever? Have I been hauling around a confidence veil all this time that's now gotten too heavy? Not sure. I can't really think of I time when I wasn't thinking, "I hope they don't realize that I've no idea what I'm doing." That's so stupid. Of course I know what I'm doing. No I don't. How can I have 2 opposite thoughts going through my mind at once. It's so stupid. It makes no sense to do that. It's not logical. And yet I do.
Is this lack of confidence real or am I tripping myself out for no good reason? Is this something to work through & come out the other end all the better for it? Or do I just wish for the veil of confidence to come back & pray that it was genuine in the first place? If that's the answer, not sure where I'd find it anyway.
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4 comments:
Cate,
Let me say two things...
First, as an artist, I can totally understand and empathize. I have the same struggles. On some level its a good thing because questioning my confidence leads to a spirit of humility. However, there has to be a balance. Not enough questioning can lead to pride. Too much questioning can lead to fear and self-sabotage.
Second, as your friend, I can say that you are spectacularly talented and impressively wise. You should have confidence in yourself and your gifts because they are vast and I constantly see God blessing people (including me) through you.
This might sound snarky, but I'm totally serious...
Are you confident that you are not confident?
If so, maybe you could at least evaluate what it takes and feels like to be confident about that, and try and apply it to another part of your life.
Catherine Esera!!! You are "The Amazing Catherine!" I have told you this many times before. You are amazing because:
1: Of your faith in God and Man- Yes this includes your faith in me. Where it comes from I don't know, but it has been a great source of strength in my life. Your belief in God makes my want to believe. Your belief in me makes me want to believe in myself.
2: Of your endless capacity for love. You love all of us- even when you're not sure you like us. :) You are always willing to find a good side to something or someone.
3: Talent. You have it. YES YOU DO! I have personally worked with you IN YOUR FIELD OF STUDY and as a fellow costumer I can accuratley say that you DO have talent and you ARE very good at what you do.
Let me ask you something... Do you think I know what I am doing? NO WAY! I have no idea what I am doing. BUT I can tell you this, without your frienship and support there is no way I would have even tried to get this job.
I think that we are very blessed to actually work in a field that we choose to. Not many are able to do what we do. I also think that if we stop questioning our ability we will become static. We will find ourselves,15 years from now, still doing things "the way we always have" because we fail to learn and grow. You must challenge yourself- otherwise you'd get bored.
You are the "Amazing Catherine" because you loved me enough to sit in my mother's den and hem gown after gown. You wore white in my wedding. You helped me when I needed help.
You are the "Amazing Catherine" because you designed for the unplease-able director. You made an odd show look great and you found a way to make it work.
You are the "Amazing Catherine" because, to quote my husband, "You Rock!". No really he said that!
You are the "Amazing Catherine" because you love my children and have made 2 beautiful quilts for them.
You are the "Amazing Catherine" because of your ability to work with Bridezillas. You should be a saint for that alone.
You are the "Amazing Catherine" because you are my friend.
I can not offer advice about confidence- I can only hope that you know that I have confidence in you as a friend and collegue. To me you are- Amazing.
Love- Cat
Let us be confident for you when you can't be Cate, I am confident that you are talented, wise and knowledgable, compassionate, thoughtful and self sacrificing.
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